why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
