i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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