Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
