i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
