when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
