Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
