Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
