Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
