The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
