I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
