i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
