Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
foreskin is a definite game changer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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