If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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