Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
