and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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