Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The feeling are messing with the penis
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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