I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
