I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
