When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
