I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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