my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
