I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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