i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
