i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
