I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is wine microwaveable?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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