The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
