'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
