I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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