just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
