garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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