Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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