You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
