READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
