i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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