I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my being single is dangerous.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have post one night stand depression
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