So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
