You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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