I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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