We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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