Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
