I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
