I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
