I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
