So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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