He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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