I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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