If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
