i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
