i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
