remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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