Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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