My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
