I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
