Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
