i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just gargled with NyQuil
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
