Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
