Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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